A momentary fear

“Lord I have a question”, said Science. “I know that you never create anything that is redundant. So what is the purpose of Fear?”

God gently pointed Science to the lawns of Lahiri resorts. There amidst the gentle cold breeze, divine music and a hundred angels stood a man in white and white pyjama kurta and me in awestruck fear incapable of even comprehending what was unfolding that very moment…

It is easy to dissolve into gratitude. For me, it the easiest thing to do… One flower, one smile, one word, one look, one glance from his eyes, and I am ready and waiting to dissolve into tears of gratitude. Ever since he held my hands in 2002 and took over the responsibility of leading me Higher, Deeper and Beyond, it seemed to absolve me of any need to strive. Oh! The striving most certainly remains in trying to ‘be’ but the striving of needing to ‘prove’ has long since been removed. And there I was yet again, laughing like I have never laughed before, crying with joy, letting go of all negativity, dancing like the breeze, swimming into the ocean of his presence, drinking him with every conscious thought and dissolving into him with every passing moment. I am sure I was smiling like him… my head voice was his… the syntax of every sentence was unmistakably his… in fact I am sure I even brushed my moustache and beard a couple of times… Indeed it was being in heaven…

Uninvited a thought came ‘is this real?’ But even before my mind could comprehend the thought the answer flowed in the form of a song by M.S.Subbulakshmi ‘Koi kahe yeh meetah sapna, Krishna Kahani kaviman rachna, Mohe nahi kuch kehna sunnah, mohe toh brigg lal lalanna, Yaad aaye…’ Tears were flowing like a river rushing to meet the ocean… To me time stood still and I was in the womb of eternity…

I should have remained right there, correct? That one moment should have been enough to define the rest of my life, right? I don’t remember consciously asking for anything more… and yet it came catching me unawares…

There I was dancing like a dry leaf, spell bound in a trance of heavenly peace… I simply looked at him – something I have been doing every moment with him… and yet what made that moment different was the way my breath struck within my soul… I couldn’t exhale my breath was caught… I couldn’t shut my eye though I didn’t want to see… Oh there wasn’t any theatrics! No drama on the outside. It was still just a man in white and white pyjama kurta, laughing with everyone and dancing to His delight… But that moment within struck a chord so deep, I can’t call it wonder, it was way beyond that… I can’t call it divine for to be honest I was scared out of my mind… It wasn’t fear in the traditional style of repelling you… but a fear that was so attractive – a whirlwind that was sucking me in… a moment that changed every perception I have carried in life… ever… a moment that most certainly didn’t allow me to gratefully dissolve in tears but one that made me want to run away with every cell in me… run away from what I don’t know… run away not because it was unattractive but because it was too attractive… fear not because it was likely to cause pain but because it was revealing a joy I wasn’t sure I could contain… a fear so profound that it brought me to the surface, from that ethereal world of gratitude and smiles, love and laughter, security and tenderness… I jolted into surface… do I call this reality? But it was nothing like I ever knew before… One moment and my world was no longer the same… Oh nothing had changed on the outside… we were still at the lawns at Lahiri, I was still on my feet dancing, and my best friend, guide, mentor, guru – the closest ‘thing’ to me was still there in a white and white pyjama kurta… But he wasn’t the same… and I most certainly wasn’t the same… In a jolt I realised it all began because unconsciously I had whispered ‘whom am I with?’ I still don’t know… I never will…But yes that moment of fear has changed something within me forever…

God gathered me into His arms and hugging me tight, looked straight into the eyes of Science and said “Yes my child. Everything has a purpose. Gratitude is the Mother of all virtues. Living with gratitude every moment of life, ensures you are aligned to the laws of life. And when it is gratitude that is your heart beat, when it is gratitude that dissolves into your smiles and tears, when it is gratitude that you inhale with every breath, there comes a time to be still; to not yield to the tears of gratitude for it is very gratifying to be grateful. And in that moment when you are so overwhelmed with gratitude that you don’t just want to yield to the pleasure of grateful tears, when you hold on for a moment longer, the next secret is revealed ! With every new secret revealed, the first response will be fear. My dear child, Science. Momentary fear is my message to you, you are experiencing that which you have never experienced before. If you let that fear remain in control, you cannot grow. But if you are not feeling that momentary fear, you are probably yielding to the comfort of tears dissolving the opportunity for a momentous revelation with the  tears of acceptance of what already is. Momentary fear, my child, is my message to you, that you are growing. If you make it permanent, it will cripple you. But if you never allow it to surface you will limit your growth.”

I sit typing with tears flowing down my cheek… Whom am I with? Not just when I physically see him in white and white or joyously read his messages to me… Not just when I sing the infiniprayer or talk to others about my life… not just when I mentally have a dialogue or celebrate his presence with others… Whom am I with when the moon turns to the Sun? When the breeze ripples my pool? When my eyes tear for no reason? And when I am so awe struck, so much in wonder, feel my heart overflow and yet my brain wants to write… When fear strikes my heart for a moment that every reality that I ever held sacred has now been replaced with an ever new discovery… an unfoldment of a magnitude incomprehensible to me… Yes my Father! I welcome that momentary fear that changed everything for me, in me. But I am ever so grateful that it remained momentary and pushed me to an understanding that even fear is your message – to face and grow, not something to hide from and fail.

Etched in every cell will remain this awe struck question ‘Whom am I with?’ every nanosecond of my life…

Written by Gita Krishna Raj  |  Published in infinithoughts in February 2014

When Science met God… |  Segment Eight: A Tryst with God  |  Chapter Three: A momentary fear

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