Growing together…

The marriage was falling apart.  Ten years of togetherness or so she had thought… And here she was ready to call it quits.  Severing any relationship, however unpleasant it might have been, is very tough.  She was convinced her’s hadn’t been unpleasant.  As her mind walked down memory lane, she remembered when he made her smile for the first time,  how she had forgotten her surroundings to laugh out loud,  how he had held her hands when she had first shed tears in his presence,  his support during the struggles,  his vulnerability he had dared to share with her,  the arguments they had that always ended with beautiful ‘making up’ moments… Ten years of memories… When had it begun to become unpleasant?

Science never enjoyed these moments. He never knew what was expected of him and he did not like that feeling!!! He could feel God’s eyes piercing into his neck.  But what could he really do?  If all marriages were as scientific as the theory of relativity, he could make them all Einsteins.  Unfortunately they seemed more complex than quantum mechanics and most certainly as unpredictable as the uncertainty principle.  Yet here he was, with His Lord, looking for a way to answer the Lord’s question – ‘What have you got to resolve this issue?’  With a resigned look Science turned to face the Lord.

Science:  Father! It should not be happening.  I really never saw it coming.  This marriage can really work.  They have both been very much in love with each other.  Yet this recent ‘distraction’ is likely to cause them this marriage.  And I really don’t see how I can help in any way…

God:  What makes you so sure this marriage can work at all?

Science:  Father, relationships are built on the basis of common grounds.  They have so much in common!

God:  But my dear,  two men working for the same company too have common grounds – work!  They don’t end up as life long friends!

Science:  Probably they grow apart, their common grounds become fewer.

God:  Having common interests does not guarantee emotional connect which is the most crucial for relationships.

Science: Of course you are right.  So they need to have common emotional connect.  Which brings us to the question what creates such emotional bonding?  Common worries, anxieties, joys and challenges?

God:  Those are momentary. They last just for the duration of the incident.

Science:  So what does it take to build lasting emotional connectedness?

God:  Simple growing together… My child Science, let us forget this situation for a moment. I have another pressing question. What is this I hear about humanity shifting theie basis of control from Homeostasis to Homeo-Dynamics?

Science: Father! We have begun to understand that good health is not a static phenomenon. We used to believe in homeostasis or feedback cycles like the thermoztate in an air conditioner that keeps regulating the temperature. However we have now realised there is no single remote control for the body. Hence Homeodynamics that states that physiological and biochemical processes are constantly working to on the continuos environmental challenges and internal fluctuations to maintain dynamic equilibrium.

God:  How exactly is this different from Homestasis? Agreed now you believe it is not one remote but several dynamic controls. But isn’t the principle the same?

Science:  We also now understand that there is no universal balance point but is something that varies individual to individual depending on his unique biochemistry, history and biological age.

God:  I think you can explain this a lot more easily. Let me see… What does actually entail to maintain homeostasis?

Science:  Well Father, most homeostatic adaptive mechanisms are dualistic. That is, for every action or function actually two opposite imbalances or abnormalities can exist. So it is not about a static ‘normal’ condition, but the need for the opposites to work in such a way to create the balance.

God: You mean like how the muscles can be too stiff or too loose and relaxed. Right?

Science: Yes Father. Elasticity is a basic property of muscle. It has to stretch and also rebound. When enough flexibility is not there, the muscle is strong but is still not healthy as it cannot move to its entire range of motion. On the contrary, if the muscle is stretched regularly but never toned with strengthening weight bearing exercises, the muscles will be flabby and loose but have lost the tonicity or the ‘rebound’ property.

God:  So would you say it is normal only when it can do both?

Science: Yes father

God: What happen if someone is too flexible or too tight?

Science: We help them by giving the opposite activity – stretch the tight muscles and strengthen the loose muscles.

God:  Don’t you think most things in the body work this way? Your heart rate should be normal but it could become too fast or too slow. Your temperature should be normal but can easily become too high or too low. Blood sugar, pH level, intestinal peristalsis and several other such functions are normal when they are neither too high or too low, too acidic or too alkaline, too strong or too weak. And how does the body actually maintain this balance?

Science:  By activating the opposite action. We call this the diphasic regulatory process. Like in a car, we accelerate to move ahead and also apply breaks when we need to stop. Both are equally important.  When one side or aspect goes beyond optimal balance range, the other side kicks in to restore the normal function. That is the way the body maintains equilibrium. It is not a single static control, but actually two opposing actions interplaying with each other all the time striving to balance.

God:  What you have just understood about the bodily control is what happens every where else in this world including relationships. It is not about going in to a relationship looking at what one can get. But going into the relationship that you are opposing actions at times that strive together to maintain balance.  Your role is to ensure you grow with the other and ensure the other grows with you to balance your equation at all times. The fundamentals of relationships are that they are ‘normal’ or blissful when both are in balance.  When one over powers, in whatever way and for whatever legitimate reason, normalcy is lost. There is an imbalance. Now very often, the victim to this imbalance, belives as the imbalance is caused by the other, the other ought to rectify it.  But my dear that is not the only option! Tell me my dear what would you suggest to someone who has a pH that is too acidic?

Science:  I will suggest they reduce their acidic foods and also increase their alkaline foods.

God: Good! What would you suggest to one who has a very fast heart rate?

Science:  I will suggest to him to stop the activity that is causing his heart rate to rise and also counter it by doing some specific breathing to lower his heart rate.

God:  Excellent! So you understand that on the one front we stop them from doing what is causing the imbalance but we also ensure they start doing that opposite to achieve that balance. Relationships too ought to be handled that way. One is already imbalanced.  Balance can be achieved in two ways – the imbalance is stopped and the other offers support to restore the balance.

Science remained silent and reflective, wishing the couple was intelligent enough to understand the basic principle of homeodynamics – that relationships are not dependant on one hinge but is built by a lifetime of hinges that adapt, support and grow.

God:  You know what saddens my heart the most my dear?  A wedding ought not to be fixed because you are right now compatible and eager. It is a contract for the future of the willingness to grow together; of becoming the steady leg when the other wants to run; of becoming the glucagon when the other become the insulin out of control; of becoming the melatonin when the other rampages as cortisol; of becoming the exhalation when the other is too full of inhaled air unwilling to let go… It is never about one being better than the other – for who is to judge which is better and which worse? It is all about being as effective as the other, willing to counter every move, slowing down to help the other catch up, speeding up to catch up with the other, ensuring your every understanding is your partner’s too, take every opportunity to grow together and constantly strive to achieve that state of homeodynamic balance within the relationship. Time man understood, your failed relationship is not the other’s fault. It is your unwillingness to catch up with them or help the other catch up with you.

Written by Gita Krishna Raj  |  Published in infinithoughts in December 2012

When Science met God… |  Segment Five: Why Me?  | Chapter Nine: Growing together

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